I am absolutely fed up of people telling each other how they should feel, what they should say and how they should act. Obviously the biggest, my obvious, issue that is much talked about is the bottle/breast debate. Making themselves feel better about their own choices they rant away not considering the feelings of others – whichever side of the fence they fall. But there’s a quieter issue out there, not one that is much talked about, because let’s be honest there isn’t really a good argument why someone should want a child of a particular gender.
I await the backlash now but YES I was one of those people – I wanted a girl!
I hear so much about women being vocal about how they were not bothered either way that they just wanted their baby to be healthy, and that is great. People who would prefer a certain gender of course want their child to be healthy and that’s all that really matters. I think more people would prefer a certain gender than they let on because as soon as you find out you are expecting people ask which you would prefer. One of the first things that is mentioned when the baby is born is the sex! There is no explanation for preferring a certain gender, really there’s not. You can think and think and think. You can look at tragic circumstances of others (those who are unable to have children, have lost children, very ill children) and KNOW that you are blessed. You LOVE the children you do have no less. But there’s still something, something in your heart, a FEELING, and you cannot explain it. You feel bad enough as it is, not least because you DO APPRECIATE that this feeling is just STUPID. You wish you were not the one to have it, but you do. What good actually comes from people putting you down and making you feel bad?
When we made the decisions to have each of our children it was because we wanted more children. I love my boys with all of my heart and I do not care what people say I KNOW that I am a good mother to them, and don’t not wish that they were girls. But I DID wish that I had had a girl. I was not obsessed, I did not use any fancy methods to try and sway the gender of my child. We certainly did not “keep trying for a girl” we were just having more children. But YES it broke my heart when we decided that our family was complete. Yes I cried because I would never know what it was like to have a girl, but you know I was crying because I would never have another child. I was really a child when I had my first son (pregnant at seventeen), and it is what I had wrapped my worth in. It signified the end of everything being wrapped up in motherhood, scared that I would have to do something else instead and would fail. I know I will always be a mother but the balance would change, my knowledge would not be as powerful.
It is five years now since I knew I would never have a daughter. I have dealt with the loss of something I wanted so badly but could never have. I felt people’s anger towards my feelings and questioned them myself. It is only since I worked through those feelings that I was able to accept that I did not want a daughter, I wanted the little girl back. The little girl who had suffered all those years ago. The girl who was scared to be pretty to avoid attracting the wrong attention. The girl who missed out. I am glad biology took matters into its own hands because I do not think a daughter would have been good for me, as I would have been trying to live my life not let her live hers. Well that is how I dealt with those feelings. I hope I haven’t made people angry but I want to be true to myself and my feelings – because they really cannot be helped and hiding them away does no good for anyone. I am certain there are plenty of other women (and men) who would have preferred a certain gender too – it does not make us bad people.
I want to just say again that I love my boys and they are my World. This is a feeling of wanting a particular gender and not being disappointed with the gender that I have. I have labelled everything up as gender disappointment as I just feel that it is a better search term (gender preference brings up a very different topic matter). My boys have at no point ever been anything other than loved and wanted. I guess I just wanted to do the cute stuff, – buying dresses, making daisy chains, styling hair – but now I am lucky enough to have a niece for that. Even better as she’s not mine so I don’t have to worry about the difficult teenage years.